You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
