His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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