i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is the high leading the old right now
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
