You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize