I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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