mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
