so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
