i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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