How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
