Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
