it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
