The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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