If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
