toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
