ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
