I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
