I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You're like the curious george of whores
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize