something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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