Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There r osticjed everywhere
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
