last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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