I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
