You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize