i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
