Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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