Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
