Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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