i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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