I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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