Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
