Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize