He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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