Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
