Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
