You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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