All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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