Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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