Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
