that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
