Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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