Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
