The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
