oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
