Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
