Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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