You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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