My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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