I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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