You really coming over, don't trick.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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