We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Pants are for mortals
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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