You smell like stripper and shame
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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