I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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