He uses pillows to masturbate.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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