this boner is exhausting
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
