Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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