I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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