so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
