I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
