Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
