If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
