yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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