Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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