I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
