Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
